Dear friends and fellow poets, help please!

Hi all. I need opinions, on this even more than others. Here’s the deal: I’m in a poetry class right now and I turned in one of my poems, The Sun Set From Your Window. So now I’m reading through all the feedback I was given and working on revising it a bit, and I’d like to see what anyone thinks of this proposed revision. Here’s the newest draft, first – because I’m odd like that – and the older draft second. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Thanks, fellow word-lovers!

The Sun Set From Your Window

I had always loved the picture the sun made
when we sat on the worn, striped couch
in your living room, watching
as that orange orb rose or sank
below the tree-topped hills
that rolled into the distance past
your house before rising into mountains.
I had always loved the picture we made,
looking at the sun.

Remember when I thought
the sun set from your window?
It’s been a year since I watched twilight come
from inside of your home.

But, tonight, you pull me up the stairs
because you say the view is better
there. I press my nose against the glass
and wish to slow the rays of color fading
into dusk, wish to lean back and rest
in your warm arms, wish to fall
back in your bed where I once belonged.

And here’s the earlier draft.

The Sun Set From Your Window

Remember standing in the corner
of the window in your bedroom,
looking at the sunset? I do.
I had always loved the picture the sun made
when we sat on the worn, striped couch
in your living room, watching
as the orange orb rose or sank
below the tree-topped hills
that rolled into the distance past
your house before rising into mountains.
I had always loved the picture
we made, looking at the sun.

So you pulled me up the stairs
because you said the view was better
there. I pressed my nose against the glass
and wished to slow the rays of color fading
into dusk, wished to lean back and rest
in your warm arms, wished to fall
back in your bed where I belonged.

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2 thoughts on “Dear friends and fellow poets, help please!

  1. Hey! I know I never got to know you very well, but I’ve been experiencing creative writing workshop withdrawals, and then I saw this on facebook!! I looked through your blog and you are inspiring the way you write so often about words!! I think dedication is one of the most important parts of trying to be a writer, and you have that!

    I think you’re a beautiful writer, I love writing about the sun!! I love yourself imagining the picture you made, and the pulling the speaker up the stairs part.

    I guess the main thing is that I’m confused about the conflict. What I can gather from the first draft is that there used to be some sort of relationship, and then there was time apart, but now the two people are together again at the end? The really interesting part to me is not the getting back together, but the space between, what the sun meant when it wasn’t being watched in this person’s house. What was it to the speaker then? I almost want the poem to end in the space where they aren’t together, so that it’s not so happy at the very end, because that leaves the poem less wrapped up in a bow, and more torn open. All poetry should be slightly torn open at the end.

    I would also avoid automatic sounding language like describing the hills as rolling.

    Anyway, twas a pleasure reading it! Thanks for letting me feel like a creative writing major again!!!!

    Jillian

    • Thank you so much, Jillian! I’m sad we didn’t get to know each other well, but I enjoyed talking to you over ice cream and such when we did!

      I’m so glad you want it to end with them not being together (they are definitely not together, haha). I just need to do a better job of conveying it. Obviously still drafting and all that stuff, so I’ll definitely keep what you said in mind!

      You’re a wonderful writer, and the creative writing department here misses you!

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