Well Water (Draft 2)

When it tastes icy from the chill of winter
snow on Blue Ridge mountains…there’s nothing
else like that. Crisp and sweet,
in a way [difficult
to put your finger on].

It would have been nice
if our relationship had been
like that. [Sweet,
clear,
simple.]
But we weren’t,
you know, we were more
complicated, like sex
on the beach or whiskey on ice,
which sounds simple enough
but washes down with a bite that makes you forget
[why] you chose it in the first place.

Until you get used
to the burn in the back
of your throat, start thinking
[maybe it warms you].

Or maybe we were just
like city water, treated
water…the kind that was once brackish
but, in an attempt to emulate the pure freshness
of a quiet stream, has been pumped so full
of complicated
[chemical ingredients]
that the adding
makes it hard, and flat.

Alright loves, I’ve got a question: this is the second draft and I’m questioning whether we even need that last stanza. I like the transition back to water, the repetition of the original idea. But ending on the second to last stanza might be a bit stronger. Or maybe it just needs some more revising. Anyway, any thoughts are appreciated!

Love from London!

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One thought on “Well Water (Draft 2)

  1. Good. I like the last stanza. Just a little more revising. We love you and missed you tonight. We all spoke of your adventure and all asked how you were doing. It was too late to sykpe when we had all eaten. Hope you had a good day. Mom

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