There are some things that never fail to catch me off guard. Falling in love. The way the mountains look driving into them. Friends who long since disappeared coming back into my life.
Right now I am so, so unbelievably frustrated with that last one.
I have been learning, with varying degrees of success, how to let go of the people who haven’t seemed to care or put an effort into our friendships over the past several years. We’re all adults, or near enough, and life is inordinately busier and more complicated than it was in high school. In a lot of ways. I get that.
But I had made my peace with the fact that a dear friend didn’t seem interested in having me around anymore because his girl got jealous. After all, when you don’t respond to any way I try to contact you, when my phone number’s been deleted off your phone, when I’m friendly to the both of you in public and you barely look at me…after seeing the guy and his fiance at the farmer’s market last summer, I was sure that, even though we’d known each other since we were kids, I was getting cut out. Which I understood; aside from the jealousy issues, his girl seemed awesome. And I knew how much he loved her. How much he loves her.
So it was incredibly surprising to me to get an email from this old friend once I came back from London. And it was nice, to hear from him when I didn’t really think that’d ever happen again.
So we made plans to hang out, twice.
And he bailed, twice.
And I can’t help but think of every time someone’s told me that I care about people far more intensely than I ought to. That I give too many chances. That I let people hurt me because I trust too easily.
I had liked to think I’d been getting pretty good at keeping those people, the ones who could hurt me, behind a wall. Accepting that people disappear because, well, we’re growing up and lives are changing. Being on another continent certainly helped with that one.
But now I’m back where I began and, this time, things are different. I’ve begun to give someone my heart, to trust this amazing guy romantically after I’d really start to question if that was in the cards for me again. And because I’m trusting him, because I’m happy with this…that other wall is coming down. So maybe that’s why I gave my old friend another chance to hurt me.
Maybe I don’t know how to trust selectively. Like, I trust S. in that I care for him and don’t believe he’d try to hurt me, and suddenly it’s so much easier for me to trust everyone else again…even though they really haven’t earned it. (Clarification: he has, earned it, I mean. The rest of the world? Not so much.)
I don’t know if any of this made any sense at all. I certainly do know that it’s emotional drivel. But it had to come out, one way or another.
I want to go to the park.